12/18/23
If you have never been addicted to anything I think it is very hard to understand addiction. The depths in which it can change you are beyond anything you would think is possible. I wish I knew why some people have a problem and others dont. I never thought I would have a problem with drugs (then again who does). But my problem didnt manifest itself until after I injured my stomach. I do wonder if I ever would have had a problem had I not been injured. I hurt my back in highschool and have managed that for years. The difference with my stomach was that it was pain on a whole other level (and it lasted for years).
But it got better. Thats the part that breaks my heart. I got better and got off everything. But after a couple years I went back and the cycle just repeated untill my early 40's. Thats when it got old and I switched to Suboxone. Suboxone is actually a wonderful drug for lots of people that have long term pain and an opiate addiction. But like I have said in the past, most medications have a cost. What Suboxone does is allows you to never withdraw from the opiates you were taking. So lets say you were taking 15-20 pills a day (Oxy, Vicodin, whatever). If you have been taking these meds for awhile you will have serious withdrawals when you stop taking them. So you wait until you start to withdraw and then you take Suboxone. It stops the withdrawals...and helps with chronic pain (minimally)...it doesnt give you the high other opiates do. Now some people disagree with me on this, Suboxone is hugely popular in prison. For lots of people it gives them a jacked up feeling. For me it never did that.
When I went to prison I was forced to detox (I outline this in a very detailed manner in my newsletter). You see Suboxone is on the BOP formulary. They literally have in their proverbial medicine cabinet. Yet Leavenworth staff choose not to administer it for what I can only assume...because it was a hassle. I spent so much time & money researching what LEGAL drugs were allowed in prison only to find out it doesnt matter what it says on the BOP website. It matters what that facility thinks, it matters whether or not the nurse that day feels like giving it to you. What you need to come to terms with in the BOP world....right and wrong dont exist....its simply up to staff if they feel like following the rules. I will tell you this....to there is nobody that is going to make them do what is right. You have to experience it to truly understand. I was forced to detox because Leavenworth didnt feel like following BOP guidelines.
SO I DETOXED. Wow. That was so far and away the worst experience of my life. It was brutal. It probably took 4 months until I felt some semblance of normal. Nothing in the world is worth having to go through that again. I didnt sleep for months. I moaned and had horrific nightmares....and the craziest thing....nobody in RDAP cared. Or if they did they never said anything about it.
When I came out of my withdrawal coma....I felt something I hadnt felt in decades. I felt like myself. I had not been totally off meds since my late 20's (29 I think). It started slow...I felt a clarity that seemed to be brand new. I couldnt think rt though...I felt miles behind on even basic subjects. Its like the answers came but very slowly. Now for someone that has considered himself pretty smart all his life this was beyond frustrating. My intelligence is how I have personally measured myself. Things very slowly started coming into focus. I starting enganging in a way I hadnt done in decades.
I had signed up for a paralegal program. It was 20 something books that were a ton of materail (they were huge) and I would read them over and over and get frustrated I couldnt ace the tests (somethign I use to have no problem with). But things started becoming more clear. The funny thing is that I started obessesing on subjects. Something that has been a problem for me all my life. But with this new clarity I saw a different angle to this problem that haunted me in the past. I decided to lean into the obsessing. After all couldnt that be a strength. Thinking about a subject from every possible angle makes you prepared to say the least. I began acing the tests (I would miss one, maybe two questions at most). I began reading and retaining info suprisingly fast.
I cant describe what is was like other then I felt like I used to feel when I was younger....when things came easier to me. I was next level sharp. It makes me wonder what I would have accomplished had I never gone down the path of addiction.
I look back on the drama I put my friends/family through and I am beyond humilated.
I lost a dear friend to addiction while in prison (I will never forgive myself for missing his funeral). I remember we had a serious talk about addiction when we were both addicts. I look back on it and its unreal ot think about. We were both trying to convince the other person how well we were doing. He died. I went to prison. Its scary.
I hope I can prove to people that I am back to being the old carper they knew. Older....but the same in the sense that I can be relied on. That their friendship comes first.
MORE TO COME.
Here is a fantastic book I read about addiction in prison. This is the best portrayal of an addict that I have read. Its brutal.
